This blog originally began anonymously in early April 2008 with the purpose of giving me an outlet for free thought, unimpaired by fear that someone I know might arrive here uninvited and read my most recent "dangerous" thoughts and think poorly of me.
I was a Christian. From my infant baptism through my “conversion” experience as a teenager, then onto serious-minded pursuits of authentic Christian living…choosing a Christian wife…having our children baptized…etc. I had made a considerable number of rather significant life choices based on my Christianity…surrounding myself with Christian friends working in a company that only employs Christians…etc.
Needless to say, as I began to seek real honesty with myself about my religious beliefs, I immediately faced a great deal of anxiety about being “caught.” It seemed prudent temporarily to remain anonymous as I explored the truth. I was doubting that I had ever honestly loved God. I knew very well that many of my religious notions felt very deep and genuine at times throughout my life, but I finally allowed myself to realize that I very clearly loved myself more than I loved God. I desired things which He would not desire. I did things He would not intend for me to do. I refrained from doing things He would want me to do. In other words, practically speaking, I was occupying the seat of "boss" in my life and not yielding to my God.
In days past, I had tried to muster up some sort of remorse or regret regarding any desires or activities that conflicted with my Christian faith, but I began to realize that I couldn't convince myself (and no longer wanted to) that I was sorry about such things. Finally, in March of this year, I gave up personally...inwardly, trying to avoid the thoughts which were opposed to my Christian faith.
And then I knew that I was no longer in "right relationship" with God, and I began to doubt that anyone could honestly be in "right relationship" with God. This caused me to wonder whether my whole notion of Christianity...or the general pursuit of reconciliation with an offended but ultimately loving God...was real.
Oddly, rather than this thought process being particularly traumatic or depressing, I felt somewhat uplifted and rather liberated....which was the most scary part I suppose. I have not been torn up or distressed emotionally. I have not been wandering around in any sort of disabled Eeyore-ish melancholy state. I've been quite fine actually. And I've come to accept that I am (if labels must be used) an agnostic atheist. With regard to having certainty or knowledge about gods, I say it is impossible. With regard to my own belief, I say that gods do not exist.
"You" (the audience) started out in very singular fashion, since I only “came out of the closet” with one good friend initially. But over these months, your numbers have grown as I have participated in various online discussions with Arkansas Atheists, Atheist Nexus, De-Conversion, and several great blogs. I still don’t have any intent to make this blog into a powerhouse site with record-setting numbers of visitors, and I certainly don’t set out to recruit visitors, or hand out business cards with this address on it.
But…the good news is that as I have continued to mature in my non-religious thoughts over the last few months, I have become less fearful of being “caught” and more interested to just be myself. So look out world…who knows what I might do next!
Cheers!
Mike
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6 comments:
To be totally honest, I assumed you have been at this for a lot longer (the atheist thing, not the blog thing). You have a pretty solid argument for much of anything you say. At least now there is a strong community online of like-minded people who make the world seem a lot more tolerant of atheists.
Thank you DB. I think the credit for appearing to have been at this for longer should go to the intellectual effort I put into my Christianity for years before deconverting. In other words, I understand logic very well and I understand the arguments for Christianity very well...so in becoming an atheist, I was in a good position to "see" the fallacies that I had so long chosen to ignore or cover.
As for how long I've been blogging...5 years. My blog which began in 2003 is still alive. One day, when I fully come out of the closet, I'll post a link to it. As embarrassing as it is in a sense to have a written record of my Christian writings, there is something fascinating about just how entrenched I was vs. where I am now.
Since I happened to know Mike's identity, I have had the pleasure of reading both blogs. I can tell you that the transformation is truly amazing. Michael, I never would have offered up the fact to you that I was an aetheist until you broached the subject just because I'd read your other blogs and feared an all out effort on your part to convert me. My how things change.
Beth,
That fear was justified based on what you knew about my faith, and at some points within my Christian days, I really would have been quite a pest to you about atheism. My how things change indeed. I'm glad there is no need for such fear now, and I'm humbled that you would claim reading my blogs as having been a pleasure. You are a good friend and I am glad to share the fine quality of lacking religious faith with you. Now...make time to comment around here more often!! I am confident that the very few readers who drop in here would benefit from an occasional word from you. The invitation to join my blog as a post contributor still stands!
Beth, the more the better!!
Indeed DB, thanks for the additional encouragement to Beth. I assure you that it is a great disservice to all of the blogging world that she has not yet become a blogger.
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