Purpose / Introduction

[UPDATE - THIS POST HAS BEEN REVISED AND UPDATED TO ACCURATELY REFLECT THINGS AS THEY ARE TODAY 8/8/08, FOR THE UPDATE - CLICK HERE]

This blog has begun with the purpose of giving me an outlet for free thought, unimpaired by fear that someone I know might arrive here uninvited and read my most recent "dangerous" thoughts and think poorly of me.

I was a Christian. I was born into Christianity being baptized as an infant, claimed by historical Sacrament to be a subject of the Lord known as Christ, and thereby called for life to be a loyal and faithful subject. I still attend Church regularly because of my wife and children, and I am reputed to be a Christian even among those who give no particular credence to the objectivity of the Church's Sacraments (except among those to whom I have "come out" about my lack of faith).

I began to seek real honesty with myself about my "true", deepest, inner desires...questioning whether I ever honestly loved God. I realized beyond all shadow of doubt that I very clearly loved myself more than I loved God. I desired things which He would not desire. I did things He would not intend for me to do. I refrained from doing things He would want me to do.

In days past, I had tried to muster up (and I convinced myself that I was occasionally successful) some sort of remorse or regret regarding any desires or activities that conflicted with my Christian faith, and outwardly of course I still do from time to time (keeping up appearances). But inwardly of late, I have not been able to find much desire to even attempt to convince myself that I am sorry about such things. Frankly, I have given up personally...inwardly, trying to avoid the thoughts which were opposed to my Christian faith.

I began to doubt that I was in "right relationship" with God, and I began to doubt (possibly in utter self-defense) that anyone could honestly be in "right relationship" with God. This caused me to wonder whether my whole notion of Christianity...or the general pursuit of reconciliation with an offended but ultimately loving God...was real.

Oddly, rather than this thought process being particularly traumatic or depressing, I have felt somewhat uplifted and rather liberated....which is the most scary part I suppose. I have not been torn up or distressed emotionally. I have not been wandering around in any sort of disabled Eeyore-ish melancholy state. I'm quite fine actually.

"You" (the audience) will likely always be an extreme few in number. I don't intend to issue a general invitation for readers to come visit this blog. I believe I've made this site fairly well anonymous so that anyone who stumbles upon it won't recognize me.